Normally I will go through spells of not liking my state of residence, then liking it, then not, then barely tolerating it, then hating it again...
And I thought if I would move anywhere it would be back home to my wonderful state of Virginia, because that was where my heart was, not to mention my blood.
But things change. I moved here when I was 10, and despite the fact that it is nearly 20 years later, I still do not have the means to move back. Mainly due to the fact that I couldn't save money if my life depended on it. Add to this the fact that the blood ties I had there are slowly dissolving; my grandmother is gone, and barely a year has passed that my sort-of grandfather (a long story for another post) is not already shacking up with some other woman in my GRANDMOTHER'S house. I used to say to my grandmother, "Don't ever sell this house, because I want it." But now, I don't think I could ever go back to it.
Please save the comments that it's not my life to live... I know that, but it just seems so wrong and so...I don't know. It helps to get it out though.
It has also completely destroyed my last thread of trust in men. Out of all the ones I've known in my life, I can count on one hand the men that I trust. One is married, one is my uncle, and the remaining few are gay, one of which served as my father figure for my childhood up until probably 13. These were the happiest years of my life; I never wanted for anything, and had extremely normal childhood! (Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Pat Robertson.)
That side of the family, though they are not blood related, are now more family to me than my blood family now. They are the ones in my hometown still, and they have been the reason I have wanted to return so badly. With my blood family dwindling, through death or dishonor, I want even more to run home and be amidst the memories, friends and "relations" I still have.
I know that nothing is permanent...I used to think it something that, in my life, I'd never known anyone relatively close that had died. From 1977 to 1999 everything was smooth sailing.
But then as the new millenium rolled around, they all seemed to come at once. A great-uncle was the first, followed by his wife getting Alzheimers...my uncle (the one of the few men I still trust) had two legs amputated due to diabetes and had been in real danger of not making it ( but is fine now)...in 2004 my dog I had since starting high school died in the early morning hours; not 12 hours earlier I'd been playing with him, scratching and petting him in my room.
Two months later, my grandmother. The biggest tie I had to my home and everything I loved about it. I would count the days til I got the chance to return home to see her again. Now I can't even return to that house.
I used to attend church constantly. I was in the choir. I was friends with about 70 people at different steps in their faith. A lot were genuine, some not, and some in between. I'm glad to say that my friend Jose and his wife are genuine...(make that another one of the men I trust)...they live the message without being annoying. They have their ups and down but they hold firm to the faith and it keeps them going. If I knew more people like them, I would still be in church.
But I don't. I know people like the one who could never see the forest for the trees. The one I tried to lift up everytime I could. The one who I would listen to when he told the same story over and over. The one who, just when I was coming to accept my feelings and working past them, was finally enough of an asshole to make me realize that I wasn't going to walk on eggshells anymore. If I'm not worth the time, so be it. That was 5 years ago and I've not spoken to him since.
And my faith? it's sort of there. I don't know why God sees fit to take away my dog and my grandmother, yet leaves on earth this waste of sperm and egg known as my step faaaa....step-faaaaa...fuck it, I can't say it. And get this! Not only leaves him on earth but miraculously repairs his liver so the dumbass can go destroy it again!
I don't know what kind of God would wipe out a city and leave so many people homeless and without anyway of knowing where their family is or if they even still HAD a family.
I don't know why He continually lets hate-mongerers continue in His name...I would like to point these people back to the part of my post that says that being raised by a gay person yielded a normal life, whereas the hetero relationships of my life have been nothing but disasters. I know more gay couples that have stayed together longer than most hetero couples.
And I know that if I went back to my old church, they would probably not look kindly on my view. Not to the point that I would be beaten with sticks, but I would probably be "holier than thou'd" to death.
So I am struggling right now to figure out who and what I am. I've only recently decided that I don't care what others say anymore, and now am working to live that as well. I know that I am artistic, without knowing what my medium is. I know that I am funny, and I try to exercise that ability anywhere I can. Beyond that, I'm an open book mostly, except for parts I have shut off and locked away. Maybe someday I will reopen those areas but it will take a LOT of trust.
Funny. This was going to be a post on how much I loved my trip to Montreal.
